Wink's Wild Wicked Witches (alliteration, fools)

A Wink-Staffer-To-Be, David, recently expressed his appreciation for the editors' consistent ability to provide food at each meeting. And indeed, he should be! Just recently, the Wink editors (with thanks to Neethu!) sent out large bars of Hershey's chocolate to the Golden 39 with a Golden Ticket welcoming them into Wink. Us Winkees are known throughout the land for our snacks, and many a FAKE-WINKEE (Vin) have gone into a meeting to just grab the goodies. Whether it be as small as a poster making meeting, or important as a work party, there is always food present. But haven't you ever wondered why food is always present? Is it because there's an excess in estrogen in the all female Wink editors, and that nature brings out the nurturing side in us? Is it because Wink has a reputation for being caring, compassionate, and fair? Is it because we just like everyone who comes to our meetings to be welcomed with sweets? Um, NO!

Here now are the Top Six Food Items Wink is Known to Serve and the Nefarious Reasons Behind It


Exhibit A: Cookies


Most Common Offender: Beth, Neethu
Nefarious Reason(s) for Serving: The Cookie Monster, now deprived of cookies and belittled into eating vegetables, will see the cookies in your stomach...and your very soul...and he will crave them with an agonizing hunger that only he suffers. He will never stop hunting you.

Exhibit B: Cookies...on sticks

Most Common Offender: Beth. DEFINATELY Beth.
Nefarious Reason(s) for Serving: The same reason as above. Only this time, the discarded stick provides the Cookie Monster a possible murder weapon.

Exhibit C: Mango Jamba Juice

Most Common Offender: A tie between Neethu and Leann, but the Jamba Juice honor ultimately goes to NEETHU.
Nefarious Reason(s) for Serving: Whenever Leann and Neethu -- or Leann and Beth, or Leann and Neethu and Beth, or any other combination that includes Leann -- go to the Jamba Juice on Evergreen, it is customary for Leann to arrogantly smirk and snicker at the poor souls who are required to jerk their arm and exclaim "Jamba!" every time a customer makes an order. These juice makers in aprons are angry...very angry. They are equipped with dangerous blenders with sharp blades, and the thing that crushes wheat grass into protein energy boosters. They will eventually come after Leann one day...in which case she will run and point at the Wink minions working innocently (defenselessly) in the J Room.

Exhibit D: Pizza Schmizza

Most Common Offender: Everyone. Are you kidding? Who wouldn't want a slice of pizza schmizza?
Nefarious Reason(s) for Serving: We really don't know. I mean, everyone loves them some Pizza Schmizza.

Exhibit E: Brownies

Most Common Offender: Beth
Nefarious Reason(s) for Serving: Have you seen that spatula and pan in the picture? Beth expertly knows how to weild such innocent weapons as basic kitchen tools. And she has more...in her kitchen of DEATH...ly delicious baked goods.

Exhibit F: Cupcakes

Most Common Offender: Beth
Nefarious Reason(s) for Serving: We can't even utter the atrocities behind cupcakes. When we are emotionally and psychologically ready to speak of the evils of cupcakes, we will reveal them to you...but by then you might be DEAD...ly tired of our histrionics and theatricals.

And now, a word from our editors

MY CHILDREN,

THIS IS THE MALEVOLENT VOICE OF WINK. THIS VERY MOMENT (about 2:40pm, April 9th on a sunny afternoon) WILL BE AN ENDURING AND LASTING MEMORY. For you Golden 39, as we so fondly call you, ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FUTURE. Yes, you will take over the reins of Westview Ink when the Three Crazies (That would be us, your editors. Proof of confession: Editor's Note of Vol. I, Issue 2) leave the DAUNTING and PARAMOUNT responsibility in your chocolaty, sticky little hands.

You gather on this day for a meeting in the multi-purpose Room of Requirement. Ignorant plebians of society know it as N131. The Wink staff, editors, contributors, and now the Golden 39 know this room as the J-ROOM (was that anti-climatic or what). Take a look around, Golden 39. This will be your den of iniquity. In this very chamber, you will see great injustices inflicted on English (or Spanglish, Franglish, Etc-lish) literature and rhetoric. Commas will be misconstrued for semi-colons. Prepositions will be placed at the end of a sentence; according to Writer's Inq, the end of a sentence is where prepositions like to go to. You will come across poetry written by teenagers (who have posted it on their Myspace blog) that is SO BAD that even Panic! At the Disco would agree.

BE WARNED, MY CHILDREN. Tread safely through shark infested waters. Today's note could have had the tone of a "ben" prefix instead of a "mal" prefix (Latin. Look it up. Improve your SAT verbal score. Oh wait, don't. See: The Grapevine, Vol. I, Issue 1). We could have adopted the voice of Glinda the Good Witch and conned you into believing that running Wink was all sunshine, roses, and refracted light. But no, today we decided to take a step above the usual level of Passionate and advance all the way down Crazy Street. Like Gene Wilder's portrayal of Willy Wonka in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, we do weird things to you because we care for you...and we like tiny rock-like candy packaged in a box with TWO FLAVORS (greatest invention ever).

Maybe one day, we will be the Benevolent Voice of Wink. But in reality, we want to inform you that running and producing a magazine is not easy, not one bit. You will find the weeks approaching a deadline to be incredibly intense and frustrating. You will find your eyesight blurred and unfocused due to staring at the computer screen for long periods of time...trying to fix the minutest of details. You will essentially live in the J Room and must leave home and never see your parents again.

BUT take it from us. You will also find that working for Wink is extremely rewarding. Your efforts will produce a thing of creative beauty, art, literature, and truth. These benefits are numerous and far outweigh the costs and sacrifices which, eventually, you will begin to tolerate (sounds ominous, but it's true). You already know what Wink is capable of, or else you wouldn't have signed up for the class and attended the meeting today. But we, your editors, promise you that one day soon we will enumerate these benefits. But for now, prepare yourselves. The upcoming issue in May will be a wild one.

Peace,
Elisabeth, Neethu, and Leann